(fostering) moving on a child

They say that moving on a foster child from your home to somewhere else is like a bereavement in some cases and in this case I realised how true that is.

Firstly, a little background. My mother is a foster carer so I have been lucky enough (sometimes unlucky!) to have had over thirty “siblings” from one day old to sixteen years old and everything in between. I was used to being just me and mum in the house but now I really couldn’t imagine it being like that as I’ve gotten so used to all these children running around.

Yeah sometimes it’s hard. You are sharing your parent, your house, your entire life with a complete stranger. But my mum’s job has given me so much that I wouldn’t change it for the world. Seeing some of these kids’ backgrounds can be a real eye opener and gave me a totally different perspective on life from the average nine year old. 

I also think that fostering has encouraged me to show my kind personality to everyone because you never know what’s going on in their life and it never hurts to be kind. I have gotten so used to being friendly because it’s part of my life; when a child is uplifted from their home and brought to an unfamiliar house and environment the only thing you can do is be kind to them and make them feel as welcome and comfortable as possible.

Obviously kids react in different ways. Some are understandably devastated to be away, but what you may not expect is that most of them come in quite willingly, they don’t scream the entire night that they want to go home, they get on with it and adjust because kids are resilient. 

It’s important to bond with every kid but some of the bonds I’ve formed have been stronger than others. Whether that’s down to circumstances, the length of time I had with them or just a strong connection, they have all been special. 

“Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind of forgotten.” In our family this quote is special. Each of the kids that come into our lives through fostering are part of our family, our own little ohana, and they will never be left behind or forgotten.

Fostering has given me a close bond with a boy who is part of my family. It is like your typical sibling bond, I can tease him but no one can be mean to him but me.

Fostering has given me a special bond with a boy who has been in my life since he was two years old and now he’s seven. Even though I only see him about once a month he is still part of my family and I care about him so much.

Fostering has given me a special bond with a girl who has experienced so much shit in her life and she’s only nine years old. She inspires me to have the strength to get on with life because she does it everyday.

Fostering has given me an incredible bond with a boy who I have watched grow up everyday from newborn to now nearly two years old. 

Until I met this newborn boy I didn’t think that I wanted kids. But when I saw how much I could love a child and how happy he could make me, I knew I wanted to have that feeling again someday with my own baby. 

However, the worst part of fostering is letting the kids go. 

My mum is always told “I don’t know how you do it, I would get too attached” (ps. Worst thing to say to a foster carer, just FYI.) They get attached too. It’s part of their job. Some people paint them as these heartless creatures who bring these kids up and then are fine when they leave, because they didn’t get “too attached”, it doesn’t work like that. 

I think in order to care for these kids properly you have to get really attached to them. You’re supposed to treat them as if they’re your own, so it’s important to be attached and let them feel secure with you.

But the thing is, they’re not yours and most of the time they move on. It is true that the length of time a child is with you before moving on can vary a lot, from a few weeks to a few years. And they can move on for so many reasons; perhaps they are going back to their parents, moving to a new permanent carer, or there has been a family member identified who can take them.

Last year we were told they had found a family option for the little boy we got straight from the hospital (We’ll call him C for confidentiality reasons).

C came to us when he was two weeks old and was being discharged from the hospital after struggling since birth. Now it was our turn to take care of him and ensure he got fighting fit as soon as possible.

Fast forward to May 2018. We were told we were not suitable to adopt C.

Then we were told that a family member had been identified in another country and he would be moving there.

Fast forward again to May 2019. One year later and he is still here. This has been a devastating year. Firstly we were told he wouldn’t be staying with us which was devastating in itself since we got used to and loved the idea. Then we had to deal with the move being pushed back and back and back at every meeting due to legal proceedings etc. This just gave us more time to spend with him and get even closer and fall more in love with him.

Now we’re at a stage that I don’t think we could possibly love him any more of become any closer to him. We see him as a part of our family, after all we are all he has known for the (almost) two years since he was born.

We still do not know when he will be leaving us but it seems to be fast approaching, if the schedule goes to plan. 

I have accepted that this is happening and I am happy with where he will be living and the care he will receive from his family member. There is nothing worse when a child is leaving and you are not feeling confident with their new placement, because it just makes you feel more upset and anxious about the move.

As much as I have accepted this, it will never be easy. C leaving will without a doubt be the most devastating event of my life so far. 

It is like a bereavement, but one where you know when they’re leaving and where they’re going. But it’s similar in the way that you won’t get to see them grow up, you won’t get to make memories with them, you will miss them, in some cases you may not ever see them again either, and even if you do it won’t be everyday like you’re used to, most likely once or twice a year. 

I’ve realised that you can’t prepare yourself for this. You can accept that it’s happening but you won’t be ready for it. 

But even after all the heartbreak that this transition has caused me (before it has even happened), I would not change the time I’ve had with C for anything in the world. I am so glad that I have had the time that I have to see him grow, to laugh with him, to comfort him, to make memories with him. Nothing will ever make me regret that. If I could go back and do it all again, even with the same amount of heartbreak that has come with it, I would do it all again in a heartbeat, one hundred percent.